Slap Yourself

When my child was an infant, I used to wish she was a little bit older.  I'd say: "Won't it be awesome when she can talk?  When she can tell us what she wants and what she's thinking?  I can't wait!"

Self, invent a time machine, go back, and slap yourself. 

Usually, my husband is here to help decipher some of the madness/ at least take a turn nodding and smiling.  He's been out of town for about 2 weeks, with a quick return trip in the middle for about 48 hours (finally returning tonight, thank you sweet baby Jesus).  So it's been the Mommy and Bear* show for many days now.

I try to be a good mother.  But sometimes, at 7:00 A.M., with no caffeine, I just can't.   

Conversation on the way to school:

The Bear:  "Can aliens go underwater?"
Me:  "What? What are you talking about?"
The Bear:  "Can aliens GO UNDERWATER?"
Me: "Uhhh, well, aliens aren't real, so sure, if you imagine they can, I bet so."
The Bear: "Oh went underwater.  Can ALL aliens go underwater?"

Alien "Oh"

Me: "You mean from the movie Home? Yep, he did, but like I just said - they're not real, so-"
TB:  "Is there always cheese in the cheese making machine?"
Me: "WHAT? What are you talking about now?'
TB:  "THE. CHEESE. MAKING. MACHINE.  When they put cheese on my pizza.  Is there always cheese in it?"

Cheese making machine

Me: "You mean at the restaurant last night?  No, they probably take the cheese out to clean it."
::pause of 2.3 seconds::
TB:  "Captain Smek took the baby egg and put it on a stick."
Me: "What the fff--flip? Are you talking about Home again??"

Captain Smek and the Baby Egg (aka the Shusher)

TB:  (Many more random plot points from Home for about 2 more minutes)
Me:  (Say nothing, hope she won't require my input, glance longingly at my paused podcast)

::pause of 5 seconds::

TB:  "Mommy, do you wish I would stop talking?"
Me: "Yes, honey.  Yes I do.  Just for a few minutes."
TB:  (chuckles) "You know I never stop talking."
Me:  (deep sigh)  "...Yep."

*She also answers to Bear Square, the Square Bear, Monkey Bear, etc.  The variations are endless.